I’ve sat in my chair and just stared outside.
I hadn’t been outside in weeks. I was too sick. I couldn’t even leave my hospital room at some points
I would watch people walk fast to get to work on time, I would watch people talk and eat and just live.
I longed to go outside where these people lived.. How were they living, so easy?
And I wondered.. How do they not notice what’s happening in the 9 story building right beside them. It’s all you know. How could they not?
How could they not know what was happening in between my 4 walls? And the halls around me? How could they not hear the screams that I could hear every time I closed my eyes?
How could they not hear the loud piercing beeping noises that sounded more like music to me and each monitor and IV pole had there own beat. How?
How come everyone else was outside just going on with life while it seemed like on the inside everyone’s life was slow motion?
I could sit at my window for hours.
Watching snowflakes fall, rain drip, sun shine, the bright moon, and the way the stars sparkled, I would watch the sun set, the colors were so beautiful despite how ugly the world could be.
Still no matter what the weather was, what was happening around me, these people still all had no clue.
No clue a 16 year old girl was staring out her window watching them live, while just a week before she was so sick unable to even sit up.
No clue that 4 stories of a children’s hospital were filled with kids staring, wishing, pleading to live just like them.
Finally I went outside.
And I let out a huge sigh of relief just as I was wheeled out into the sunshine..
You don’t realize that outside is so breathtakingly beautiful until you go months of being confined to the same 4 walls.
You learn to love the warmness of the sun on your face, the breeze of the wind in your hair, the smell, the crunch of leaves, the coldness of winter, the smell of rain, the colors of the sky that makes you thank god you’re alive.