Out of control.

People ask me how I stay positive all the time… I never know quite what to say to that statement.
First off, I am not positive all the time.

No one can be.

I especially have NOT been that positive this past week.

I have really struggled emotionally, as well as physically.

I recently found out that  I need another back surgery. This being the 4th in about 2 years time. (exactly 2 whole years in January 2016.)

This last week was spirit week and on Friday it was pep rally at my High School that I hardly go to anymore, and honestly… it was really hard to see all my friends post pictures and videos. They all were dressed up in our school colors, laughing, dancing and just having fun. It was all about the seniors and “was the best pep rally that there EVER was at my High School.”

I should have been there. Wearing black and gold.

Instead- I was at physical therapy and then I was talking with my surgeon about the extent of my next surgery.
And on Saturday, it was homecoming. Our last homecoming. I didn’t go because I couldn’t buy tickets because I am back on homebound tutoring, unfortunately.

And, it was also Halloween… Halloween has always been really hard for me, since I’ve had Transverse Myelitis for some reason. I did go to a party last year, but it just never is as much fun as it seems to be for everyone else. I got invited to a party but it was on the 2nd story of this guy I knows house and being carried is not my favorite. Being dependent on someone, anyone.. Isn’t my favorite.

It’s just hard sitting back watching my friends go through life like I wish I did.

My hope for this school year was to be able to make it a full year in school, and not need homebound tutoring. To just be a senior. Healthy as I can possibly be. To go to school and be tired from homework, to not feel like I was on the outside looking in, on everyone else. I hoped and I prayed for normalcy. This obviously did not happen. Not one bit. I’ve definitely let myself down. I know none of this is my fault, but I definitely expected more. I don’t really know how to word it.

What I’m getting at is… I do not feel positive and I do not feel strong right now. I feel defeated and oh, I feel tired. I’m 17 years old and I want to be doing what everyone else is doing.

I don’t want to be the sick “fragile” Alex Berube anymore.

Maybe the hardest part is watching my twin brother do all these things and have so much fun doing it. We used to do everything together. Always.

I love my life. I honestly do. But, I can’t help but feel sad and just confused. I know that people have it worse, I know. I see it everyday and I feel horribly for even complaining at all.

It’s like I miss something I never had. A life that wasn’t ever even my own. It’s like I have this “idea” of how my life should have or could have went.

When I was 3 years old I had an imaginary friend.
You’d imagine she would be the same age as I was.. She wasn’t.                                                                     She was a teenager.

For as long as I can remember I have always dreamed of being a teenager with a cute red car, driving to school, singing to music on the radio with my friends. I honestly thought for so long that my life would be like that. I thought I was just going to always be “normal.” I always fit in. I didn’t get stared at, and I just looked like all my friends.

Being different isn’t bad. Not at all. But, for me… I was so used to being regular. Average.

I was used to not sticking out like a sore thumb, I was just used to blending in.

I just am feeling defeated right now. I don’t want people to tell me what I should do, or how I should feel.

Yes, you see what I post but you don’t know how I feel. I am terrified and I can’t do this, but? I’m doin’ it anyway… somehow. I have no choice.

You have to get up every morning and smile because you’re alive. You are breathing and that is a gift. You just have to.

I’m writing this to show you all that I’m not perfect and I am not positive 24/7. I am a real person. A teenager. Teenagers lives are dramatic and hard as it is, but then you have me. Maybe I’m just throwing a pity party. And maybe… that’s okay.

I’m not going to act like I’m fine with just watching everyone’s lives go by me, while I talk to my doctors instead of being at a football game, because to be honest… it’s not okay! It’s wrong.

While I may feel like this right now… I know it always passes. I always feel better after I write. Always.

I will definitely be working on NOT comparing my life to everyone else’s.

Because we all have our problems. Everyone’s problems are the worst possible thing to them, it’s different for everyone. Everyone’s journeys are different. We all struggle, every single one of us do. I really can’t compare anymore. It will drive me crazy, it IS driving me crazy.

My life is different and I’m not like every other teenager, I know that. I just am not and I simply can’t be. And it’s okay, most of the time…

It’s okay because the times I do get to be a regular teenager, are so very cherished.

Some days are hard. They just are. Looking through my room and finding wound care products, dressings, leg braces, compression stockings, wheelchair parts, sliding boards, so many different medications, boxes full of catheters…

Things I wish I didn’t need, but I do. Even though it’s hard and unfair… It is what it is. Right?

I can’t change the fact that this is what my life is like. I need to let go of what I can’t change. It’s not helping me. And I’m working on that too.

I don’t have ANY control over my life. None at all. The only thing I can really control right now is how I react to things I cannot control.

Such AMAZING things have happened to me. This one bad thing isn’t and shouldn’t take away my happiness. And even though it’ll be hard not to feel sad and confused. I will try to be as happy as I can. But, if I want to cry and be sad, I will. Because that is okay and I’m going to be okay. Everything will be okay.

(This “feeling bad for myself.” Is over. This pity party is over. Starting right now. I wrote everything above yesterday! I found, I don’t even feel like this anymore. Sadness and pity go away. I need to remember that my sadness and hardships aren’t ME.

I am me when I am happy, laughing, planning and living. And when I am sad?
I just have to remember it passes. It always passes.
I am okay. I promise.) image

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