I look at where I was in the two left pictures and it physically pains me to even simply look at them.
Those smiles you see? They were NOT genuine, I was absolutely miserable in my OWN SKIN!!!
How crazy is that?
Crazy to think I would cringe looking in the mirror. I would want to cry whenever anyone said to gather in for a group picture. I knew I couldn’t hide from life, as much as I really wanted to. I had to face the shocked look on people’s faces when they saw how much heavier I had gotten.
They thought I couldn’t tell. That I didn’t notice. Oh, I did. I noticed immediately.
I had to deal with people I’ve known my entire life snicker to each other as I rolled past. I had to deal with my own inner demons and I felt like I was a huge black cloud over my once sunshiny self. I wasn’t myself anymore and gaining weight from medications, inactivity from back surgeries and depression made everything just that much worse.
I never wanted to die but I didn’t want to feel like I did then, ever again. I was stuck in a deep, sad, dark hole with the pieces slowly falling in on me and crushing my chest, making me so out of breath.
Now, the two right pictures are recent. My smile is genuine and I have a sense of self love that I never thought I’d ever have.
I don’t cry when I look in the mirror anymore. I look in the mirror and I do my makeup and I do my hair, and I sing loudly to the songs that I love oh so much.
I jump in on group pictures now and I smile when I look at them. I don’t pick out every thing that I wish I could change about myself.
I don’t want life to pass me by, I want to jump right in on it and live it up, right along with everyone else. I don’t want to hide anymore.
The truth is, we all want to change something about ourselves.
But… I spent so much time trying to break off pieces of myself and form myself into a shape that I didn’t even recognize. Your whole life you’ll be too much or too little of something, for someone.
I can do lots of things, but being anything… but myself?
I.. just can’t do.
I am perfectly made up of flaws and I love me. I may be beautifully broken, but that’s okay. Everyone is broken, in someway or another.
I’ve learned that weight is not what makes me, me.
Although, I’m still learning to love the parts of myself that no one claps for.
I learned that I am SO many things, I love to write and read, I love my best friends with my whole soul, I like to think I am a sincere person, I love pictures and the beach, I could ride in the car with no destination for hours, I absolutely adore dogs and I will stop my car just to pet one, I love movies and I could shop all day, everyday, I sometimes snort when I laugh and most of the time I’m being sarcastic.
I am not my weight and I’m definitely not what I look like.
I love myself, not because of how I look… I AM happier with how I look but I most of all am happy with WHO I am. It’s taken me so long to love myself, and I definitely am not going to waste my life trying to convince you, to love me.
The difference between the pictures is not just weight. It is pure joy. It also, shows what depression does to you, it shows how much burden one small person can hold all at one time.
I am so happy I got out of that deep, sad, dark hole. I now feel the sun and wind on my face again, and my smiles aren’t forced and boy, let me tell you… it feels good. It feels so good.
There will always be someone who doesn’t see your worth, don’t let it be you.