Old and new. 

A few years back, one of my good friends asked me, what I missed most about my “old life.”
At the time, I didn’t really have an answer to give her. I had always taken everything for granted and didn’t even realize it…
The sunrising everyday was just how it should be and always was. It never even crossed my mind that some people, couldn’t guarantee they’d see the sunrise the next day. I never went to sleep scared of not waking up and I definitely, did not see things the way I do now.

My entire mindset is different. I’m different… so different.
If I could answer her question today, I would tell her:

That it’s hard to remember that there was a time before now. But there was. I could jump up in the morning and I could go to school. I could stand in the shower and feel the cold floor on my feet. I could run down the street just like you. And I would tell her, how much I miss riding a bike.

I would tell her that I wonder sometimes… if I knew then, what I know now, would I have enjoyed those things more?

I mean, who would’ve known that when I got off my bike at 13-years-old that I wouldn’t ever ride one again, like that? I certainly didn’t. That’s just not how we think.
Thousands of moments that I had just taken for granted – mostly because I had assumed that there would be thousands of more. I truly don’t remember when I got off my bike. I don’t remember where I was or who I was even with.

I can’t remember the last time I pulled my leg forward to get off of my bike, that now sits, covered in dust in my garage. It hasn’t been touched in almost 5 years. I would say, I can’t remember the way that grass feels between my toes and that I can’t remember how it feels to run. I can imagine myself running and I have a thousand memories of myself running, but, I don’t remember how it feels. No matter how hard I try to and I would say, that it’s okay that I don’t remember even though I truly wish I did.

And I would tell her that although I miss those things, through missing them I learned that you should always live for the little things. To watch 5am sunrises and 5pm sunsets where you see colors you cannot quite explain. To live for car rides and nighttime strolls with music in your ears and the cool wind in your hair. Live for the days where you’re surrounded by your absolute favorite people who make you realize that the world is not such a cold, harsh place after all. To live for fresh cups of coffee, or the smile of a stranger you pass on the street. Live for the smell of new books and brand new shoes.

To just live for the little things, because one day, I promise you, you’ll look back and you’ll see that they were really the big things. The huge things.

And mostly I would tell her… That from being sick, I’ve learned to enjoy each day as it is. And now, I look up at the sky and all I can think is “I’m alive and you know… that really is a gift.” And even though I miss my old life, this new life has taught me WAY more than my old life ever could have and for that, I thank Transverse Myelitis. It’s weird to say that I am grateful for something so horrible, but I am.

I am so incredibly happy with the person that I am today. I may not have gone where I’ve intended to go, but… I do think, I have ended up where I need to be. Because of having such horrible things happen to me, I’ve ended up becoming a person I never imagined I would be.
If you asked me 5 years ago who I’d be when I was 18, trust me… I would not have said me. I would not have ever thought I would enjoy writing as much as I do, I would not think then, that now, I would want to be in the medical field and that I truly cannot imagine doing ANYTHING else but helping people every single day.

I never ever would’ve imagined that I would be able to say that I’ve had 14 back surgeries or that I’ve flirted with death at 18 years old. I never would have thought that the sad stories on the news would end up being my reality. But, they are. And that’s what makes me who I am.

Thank you, “old life” for the memories, but I’m on to my “new life” now and it’s not going to be spent filled with sadness and longing for you. You were great. But my “new life” is just as great, in a whole different kind of way. This life is the life I was meant to live, I believe that 100 percent and I would tell my friend that even though this “new life” is different, it is better. Because in THIS life, I see color where I once saw none, I hear music in the wind and I feel true, serene… happiness.

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